Fairly soon after I started posting a weekly Dino Drop, my brothers (the two who use the internet, anyway) picked up on the trend. They thought it was just great, because they are every bit as weird as I am. Given their enthusiasm, I asked if they would enjoy dialoging with me over a few dinosaurs, to be posted on my website as a sort of “guest star appearance” thing.
Oh, hell yes, they were game.
So, I started with Andrew, because age before beauty. (Oh snap.) I emailed him three different dinosaurs, and told him to think the drawings over and decide where he would like to start with his critiques.
He replied to me over instant messenger, “Well, of the three you sent me, the first one looks like it was drawn by someone with a motor disorder, the second looks like it was drawn by a three year old, and the third looks like the dinosaur version of ‘The Scream.'” There was a pause, and then the next bit of typing popped up. “Actually, the second one now looks like a crying guy in a hoodie with ears.”
We were off and running, and this dinosaur was our first victim:
Andrew: Nah, see, if that was a mouth, then it would be a sideways opening mouth, and that just can’t be. Hence, the hoodie look.
Me: Agreed on the first part–it is in fact a sideways opening mouth.
A: Nope. It’s this…
Me: That is awful, where did you find it…
A: Google image search.
Me: What did you Google, exactly? “Dinosaur with sideways mouth looks like anime kid?”
A: “Sexy anime babes.”
Me: I’m putting this up on my website you realize? You want everyone knowing you Google “sexy animes babes.”
Me: Apparently so.
A: Clearly, your readers will understand that if you want pictures of crying women that’s what to Google.
Me: Uh…huh…other things to note about this dinosaur. His arms are obviously balloons sort of floating in front. And his feet have toothpick toenails.
A: He seems to be doing the Neo thing where he moves so fast he has multiple heads.
Me: Yeah, I was going to say, this kid started over with his drawing a few times and this was legit the best he could muster. Third time was not a charm.
A: Speaking of children, since when do they let four-year olds into college? According to this, your student is four.
Me: Woah damn, you are right! Based on that scale, I would love to see what you would put forward if I was like, right now, draw me a dinosaur.
A: *after a minute or so* I just emailed you a drawing of a dinosaur.
Me: Just got it.
A: Bear in mind that drawing with a mouse is hard, but I can’t draw for shit even with a pencil. Here, let me save you the trouble of developing your own sick burn. “It’s a gecko with progeria.”
Me: Aww…I think he’s cute! I was going to say he was a grandpa dinosaur–natural aging.
A: Man, whatever.
Me: Ok, well, challenge met. Back to the student’s dinosaur. It is a sentient starfish who has a head for an arm, and two arms growing out of its armpit…but is missing an actual head.
A: It’s a monster whose left arm is also his head, and he’s carrying carrots in his armpit.
Me: Wait, what? Why would he be carrying carrots? And why would said carrots be in his armpit?
A: He’s going to the park to feed the rabbit. And you try holding onto carrots without fingers.
Me: A left-headed monster is going to feed “rabbit,” in the singular, in the park? Also, I see that as his right arm, based on the direction of his knees.
A: Yeah, my left, his right. Look, he had an unfortunate childhood accident with a lawnmower that left him missing a toe on his right foot. He succumbed to a crippling fear of yardwork. He can only go to the park at night when the groundskeeper isn’t around.
Me: You know if you look at those “carrots” it looks like this student sort of tacked a pencil mark on to sew them to the dinosaur’s body. Which fits with the toe trauma. An over- and misplaced-reaction to limb removal. Alternate story–the dinosaur overcame his toe trauma to become an NFL kicker, but on his debut night he went berserk under the pressure and attempted to swallow the football instead of kicking it.
A: Dinosaur swat is fun.